My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
