tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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