You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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