she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
