I wish I could punch you in the face.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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