the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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