just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
