Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize