I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Shame - the story of my life.
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