Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
