I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
