my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
