everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
