Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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