Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
