My Higher Power is John Stamos
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
