You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
