If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
