so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
