God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
