? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize