Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
