So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
