Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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