the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
