In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
