I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
