i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
