Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
