maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
