I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
