You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
