i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
