This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
