Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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