I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize