Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I think I just sharted jello shots
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
