I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
