The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
