I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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