apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
