You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
