I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
