I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
