jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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