hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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