there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
