My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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