So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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