I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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