I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
