There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
