i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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