How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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