Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
