Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
