wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
