oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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