I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize