Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
