Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
