I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
