the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
