If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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