I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
