I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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