Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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