i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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